By Liberty Afeaki

SALT LAKE CITY, Utah (Pacific Eye, May 2007) – "I’m just brown?"

I am more than that; I am a female Tongan American intellectual, mentor, friend. I first learned my ethnic identity from home. My parents always taught me that I should be proud to be Tongan and should always internalize the values that come with being Tongan, but somehow society taught me something different. Society always reminded me that I was brown, but not just that I was brown but that I was not white, and because of that I was lower on a social hierarchy. I learned that being brown in American society often times was synonymous with being non-blessed, underprivileged, and underrepresented.

In general, ethnic identity means a label, characteristic, and inheritance. Being a Tongan is a blessing to me, I wouldn’t choose to be anything else but what I am. Sure, there are privileges to being white but as for me I am proud of who I am and what my people have been able to accomplish and achieve.

In the Tongan language there’s a term, "fie’ilo," which describes a person who wants to know information, and most of the time too much information. Sometimes I can’t stand the assumptions that accompany the questions asked by these "fie’ilo" people, most of whom are white. For example, in class one day I was asked about what scholarships I have received. I answered that I received a few but that one of my scholarships was a full ride scholarship. She asked me what it was for. In confusion, I asked her, "What do you mean?" She was silent for a moment. Then I implicitly knew what she was going for. She was trying to find out whether I got it because I was brown, or because I was intelligent. She finally replied by saying "Well, was it a scholarship only for ethnic minority students?" and I answered, "Yes but I don’t think it was only based on racial identity, it also has to do with involvement, leadership, academics, etc." Then she started to boast about how she got the Honors at Entrance Scholarship and complained about how ethnic minorities have more opportunities with scholarships. I really didn’t know how to respond. I was shocked, I was tense, and I was speechless. What was she trying to say? It took me a while to pull myself together and to react to her condescending statement. I told her, ‘You know it may seem that way, but look closely around you and the environment we live in, and then tell me how ethnic minorities have more opportunities.’ She didn’t respond. I’m still in contact with this person, but the subject has never come up again. Yet, I still get the glances and the questioning looks implying, "Is she supposed to be here?"

Things happen so subtly that I find myself struggling to actually ask the basic question of: "who are they to tell me where my skin color belongs or that my skin color determines my success?" My voice has become so vague and so quiet in our society and at times I fear that it might fade away that I might look up one day and I have become this nonentity in our society. As one of the few ethnic Pacific Islander faces at the University of Utah I wake up every morning and I look in the mirror and see the same face everyday, a face of distress yet reaching for some kind of hope. "Who am I?" "Who will I be today?" "Am I going to be Tongan Liberty, or am I going to TRY to be the "Palangi" Liberty?" I ask myself these questions everyday because I feel as if the world’s watching me and the mirror is the only space to [look] upon my true identity, but as I take a last glance at the mirror, I tell myself who I am: "Liberty Hinalei ‘Ataua Fatongiahe’a Afeaki; I come from a long line of amazing ancestors from the Islands of Vava’u and Ha’apai, and I am representing not only myself but all who have gone before me.

I am proud to be Tongan and represent the cultural customs, beliefs values and understandings of a Tongan. I only wish our society would realize that there’s more to me than my skin color. I’m not just some brown girl at a university, I am a Tongan American female student, teacher, intellectual, (and the list goes on…)